Convictions & REAL Character

As much as some of us hate going through adversity, challenges and painful situations. They really have a remarkable way of shaping who we are. Positive or negative. For better or for worse. 

We choose which perspectives to adopt based on who we are, our resources, our support systems and the situation with the people involved. For instance two people can go through the same situation yet choose vastly different outcomes. They choose to become drastically different people. One would develop a mellow, nice personable character the other a cynical, mean & hateful person. Nature versus nurture, the battle continues.

Me? I'm glad I faced all the adversity in my life. It, simply put, has made me who I am today. It has made me intolerant on a lot of behaviours and has taught me how I want to treat others. I have absolutely no patience for people who don't stand up for others, like I obviously would, it makes no sense. Clearly selfishness has taken over loyalty, not everywhere, but a good amount.

Like this one time at a gym, where I do not belong to anymore for obvious reasons, I was in the women's change room and a mother and her daughter came in to use the washroom because it was the closest washroom. I suppose it is a women's washroom and there is another exclusive family friendly washroom, alas it is farther away and her daughter couldn't hold it. I mean why take the chance. Ah yes, it was just me and an off duty staff member, Brenda in the change room. While I had absolutely no problem with the situation Brenda starts going berserk. Saying that this is a women's only change room, while the mother explained that it was too far away, hello completely understandable. But noooo Brenda continues her hateful barrage and she is a mother of grown children no less. I'm not even a mother and I was ready to rip her head off like how dare you even say one mean word to these unassuming ladies. Offering excuses like they didn't flush the toilet. You know why they didn't flush the toilet? Because they were too busy being harassed! Who is going to take the time to do that when you are being violated like that. You know what I said? I said we all look the same, seriously, like her kid is a big deal. Well it's not and as Brenda was screaming and shouting I said to the mother, " You know what don't worry about it." She was already leaving though becuase this particular staff, of course, felt she had the power to verbally abuse another patron because of a mystical mirage of power she thinks she has becuase she works there. That is so hilarious words can't express. Like she has no power. We have no power. Any power is just an illusion. 

Then after they left of course she is not calm and saying things like, " I'm sorry you feel that way" & "I don't want to argue with you." Yeah I'm sure you are real sorry. I told her that she came on way too strong. I think that is an understatement!! This is a great example of an aggressive person. Stomping on whoever is in their way just to see things done the way they think they should be done and expecting me to keep my mouth shut that's a laugh and a half. This is why mean, fake, aggressive people like that turn me off. Ones who only care about themselves, the material world and superficial things. I've been in a position before where in a kitchen, you may have read about it becuase I did a post on it, the cook was being extremely abusive. The one person who could have stood up and ended the whole thing or at least given much needed support, didn't. I knew her from before the retreat too, we had a couple conversations, which makes it laughable that if you have conversations with someone and think you know them? Hahahahaha Actions, people, actions. NOT words.

Had I said nothing at all I would have been condoning the whole situation which I did not condone at all. Given the chance I'd do it all over again! That lady was in no position to defend herself. Here you are trying to take care of your child and someone is yelling at you for it. I'll tell you where to go. Completely unacceptable. What I should have done was report the employee immediately, it wasn't a secret that she worked there, plus there are many negative things I could say about the rest of staff on payroll. Alas why I do not go there. This was, and I have the date, April 10th 2015. I'm still feeling very, very strong about it now. Always meant to blog it now voila! Done, finito. Suffice to say Brenda needs` help, prayers and serious therapy.

The moral of the story is that we should not be afraid to stand up for others when they cannot do so themselves.

Love, Relationships & Charity

In the past I thought to myself that if I ever met a great guy that he should pursue me immediately! Right here and now; no time to waste! Like somehow taking our time would be a 'waste'. It is actually quite desperate thinking. How backwards that is because time tells many things. It can tell you who that person is, what they are made of, how they deal with certain situations, if their actions match their words and if they really desire to grow in the Spirit or in any other area. Now if they truly desire these attributes you will be able to see that over time. Those are the things that matter. Sure its dandy to look attractive but it is much more important to develop characteristics that will last an eternity, help others and better everyone you meet.

If things don't start happening at all well then it really can't be worth your time. When the other individual is not inquiring on any level about you or to make a date to get to know you better, a very casual conversation, then there is no need to bring that to their attention, if they can't see your worth as an individual then good riddance. Now that we have that covered why would you want things to move at such a fast pace anyways? It is more likely to do harm than good. Why do we even have these inclinations if there is a God who fulfills all our needs? Well we are made to be in community and even God said it is not good for man to be alone. 

One reason we may want a romantic relationship is that society sells the lie that a relationship in itself can make you happy, fulfill all of your needs and when you make it a god it will pay you back in full. Lies, lies, lies... Every human on earth is fallible, prone to mistakes and imperfect. They can let you down. This is the same person who would be in a relationship. Being in one doesn't automatically make you better, more important or happier. We are the same person with the same temperament in a relationship and while being single. That rosy glow you may have about someone doesn't last forever and if it does there is something wrong. We aren't gods, so we shouldn't be putting anyone on a pedestal.


This whole journey of mine can be summed up in one word: charity. Whatever the soul loves, it loves for what of God is in it, the amount of God's goodness it expresses or mirrors. This is true love, since it means loving things or persons not for what we can get out of them but for what God has put into them, not for what they can do for us but for what is real in them. It means loving things or persons for what they are, and it is rooted in loving God for what he is. [Theology for Beginners by Frank Sheen, page 88] This is the kind of love I've been learning a lot through the last 3 months. 

I've grown so much in my perspective of relationships. The fact is I'm completely content with where I am in life and even if I'm not, I know someone who will give me the tools I need if I only ask for it. You need faith to accept how things are right know and to know that they are exactly as they are supposed to be. It is also understanding that there is a Big Plan and if what you want is going to happen then it will and if it doesn't then there is something better for you out there. Maybe not in this life but in the next...

Passive or Aggressive?

Spectrum

← Aggressive     Assertive      Passive→

There are two extreme sides to this spectrum. There is the aggressive side and on the other extreme is the passive side. Where on the spectrum do you fall into? 

Aggressive

Lets take a look at the character traits of aggressive behaviour:

·         Physically points or uses fist at others

·         Selfish, threatens

·         Uncaring, superior

·         Abrupt, stares

·         Abuse others, blames

·         Makes you feel small, says hurtful things

·         Insists, uses sarcasm

·         Cold, harsh, boastful

·         Doesn't listen, close minded

·         Escalates fast, abuse's others' rights

Does this sound like someone you would like to hang out with and invite into your life?       

I didn't think so. Lets take a look at the character traits of passive behaviour:

·         Not honest about feelings, apologizes a lot

·         Complacent, not open

·         Referred to as, "Doormats"

·         Whisper, cry

·         Indirect, soft, vague

·         Nervous

·         Uses general, vague statements, "I mean you know."

·         Self dismissal, self put downs

·         "I don't matter" attitude

·         Apologizes for no reason, avert eyes

·         Wrings hands, abuse's own rights

There is also behaviour called Passive & Aggressive:

·         Lots of blaming

·         Can be two sided

·         Silent

·         Makes up stuff about others

·         Likes to create drama & watch it play out

·         Manipulative

Aggressive behaviour hurts others and passive behaviour hurts self. These are some key things to remember.

"In the middle of these extremes is something called assertiveness. This is the best way to communicate, build relationships and be heard."

Assertive behaviour sounds like this:

·         Constructive,positive

·         Open minded, calm

·         Responds not reacts

·         Takes into account others' feelings

·         Direct, honest

·         Initiates eye contact

·         Cares about others

·         Builds you up

·         Honest about feelings

·         Stands up for own rights and how they want to be treated

 Now that you know all three types of behaviour here are some tips to move away from aggression.

DO	DON'T
Defend	Blame
Be specific	Use generalizations
Describe	Judge
Be sensitive to rights/feelings of others	Use sarcasm/put downs
Use "I" statements	Use "You" statements
Remain calm	Get upset/escalate
Repeat your request	Argue

When you practice being more assertive you:

Gain more confidence	Improve decision making skills
Earn respect from others	Understand & recognize feelings
Improve communication	Create honest relationships
Create win-win situations	Experience greater satisfaction, trust & security

As you can see there are benefits to being proactive & not losing your cool. It is much easier said than done!

Retreat from Hell

This was when I just lost my job (AKA got fired) & I decided to use my time to volunteer. Losing my job truly was a blessing in disguise although it didn't seem like it at the time. A retreat weekend for the Anglican Diocese came up. The theme for this specific retreat was “Justice.” You will see later why this is seriously dumb, ironic and a total joke. At least here on earth it is, God will have His justice when this world is gone. Anyhow I volunteered to be a ‘cookie.’ Yes. That is what they call kitchen helpers/assistants. How so very ‘cute.’ Not. So I went in the situation thinking it was going to be a relatively good experience, you know since they are all like-minded ‘Christians.’ Wow, was I ever off base. (This is also an unfair stereotype as we are all broken Christian or not).

Not only was it a weekend from hell but a girl, not a woman, who I thought I knew betrayed me in the worst way possible. This only solidifies the fact, for me anyways, that you simply CANNOT sit down & chat a couple of times with a person; then go on to think you ‘know’ the person. This is simply not possible. You are only challenging them in the intellectual sense. How do they react when they are under a line of fire in certain situations? That is the real question because that is when their ‘true colours’ start to show. I think this is great! I would rather see a person fail miserably than fake it perfectly. I don’t like people who act ‘fake.’ Anyways on to my story.

Since I was a helper in the kitchen that is where I was most of the time. I got introduced to 4 other ladies who were also helping. Half of them were nearer to my age mid-teens to mid-twenties. The other half were older, way older. They were about the same age as the cook, we shall call him John, since I don’t recall his name. This was a major factor in the issues, the age difference, since the other females took it upon themselves to adopt a very inferior attitude; as if they were better than everyone else simply because they were old hags.  It was only 3 days I believe but they were the longest of life, it seemed like that at the time. So let’s get one thing straight I didn’t even attend the retreat. I spent most of my time in the kitchen. This really wouldn’t have been a bad thing… if the cook wasn’t the most angry, mean, abusive, control freak that I have EVER met!

This cook would call us names, yell at us, make us do jobs that were HIS responsibility as a cook. Basically he tried to make our lives in the kitchen as miserable as he humanly could. Now before I get into the specifics there was a silver lining. The two ladies from the kitchen, Nicole & Darian, and the maintanence helper, Shawn were awesome! We just clicked. Almost as soon as we met we were inseparable. It was the only reason putting up with John’s antics were bearable, even funny. I had my own comradery with them when he would rant & rave. We would make faces and share knowing looks. It made it all worth it; NOT that I am condoning his behaviour because I am NOT. One time he left the kitchen in a PMS storm cloud, like some 5 year old who can’t handle rejection & failure. Age does not equal maturity, clearly.

Okay so one of the tasks he wanted us to do before snack time came around was to make popcorn. Now, he wanted this done perfectly with no instruction at ALL. Not even the INTERNET. Okay or a cook book. You could probably guess the outcome. I shoved a ton of kernels in the biggest pot ever & 15 minutes later we still had no popcorn. The next thing any rational person would do is: yell, scream & get me to dump burning hot, scalding kernels into a plastic garbage bin. Yup, sounded good to me too! Hahaha!! NOT. Needless to say I apparently almost got in trouble for that. Yup just blame the cook. He was abusive to the nth degree. 

Let’s also add in here that he yelled at myself & another worker because we went out to the outhouse at the same time. So he brings it upon himself to yell in front of everyone else, “You don’t need two people to go to the washroom.” Yeah thanks, Captain Obvious.

You haven’t heard the best part yet! I met this real piece of work there too. Her name was Cora and she had many chances to rectify the situation as she was in a position of power and responsibility to possibly make it better just by standing up for people and being a decent human being. Well, she didn’t. I brought the situation to her attention as a friend, as someone who knew her before going into this hell on earth, and she let me down. Yeah, we held a meeting but it didn't do ANYTHING. Like dropping a very delicate, intricate piece of art and shattering it into a million pieces only to have the person simply glance in that direction and continue to walk by as if nothing significant happened. Better luck next time. I don’t do well with these kind of people, they make me sick to my stomach. I’m not going to poison myself with her disgusting perfume. I refuse.

There was even one point where I was so angry that I made my injury on my thumb worse by ripping it open because I needed to release the deep emotional pain of betrayal I was feeling inside. Most likely after seeing how dead, empty and disgusting Cora really was inside. Let me say it isn't my usual coping mechanism at all, usually I laugh it off, but to have all this happen in the midst of losing my job? It's a bit much. Even on the way to camp she was a crazy person, passing vehicles in a  reckless, unnecessary manner with two passengers in the car and listening to disgusting, vulgar, sexually explicit mainstream music.

Enough with all the negative things, situations and people. I couldn’t control that part anyways. There were also some good parts as well. The first night I remember taking a walk to a campfire site that I was invited to earlier to see what was going on. On the way there I noticed that it was a beautiful clear sky with a very bright and beautiful moon. Looking at the shallow water reflecting the moon’s rays I was in awe of the beauty of it. It was a wonderful moment in contrast to the terrible events that had and were going to pass. The thing is we can’t just have all good situations, good times and good conversations. If we didn’t experience the terrible we might not appreciate the beauty when we find it. Believe me you find it in the midst of the unexpected.

When I got to the fire there were some girls and a guy who was Diesel’s owner, who turns out to be a key player later in the story. They had the wood fire sauna going as well so we alternatively went in the sauna and went swimming. On repeat. One of the girls, and yes I say girl for a reason NOT a lady, when we were in the sauna, said something really peculiar.  Rather sad actually. We were all sweating up a storm and she is wearing this revealing bikini, looking down at herself, well her boobs really, she says, “It’s a real shame there isn’t a guy around to admire this.” In my mind I'm like, " Kay, whaaat!? Am I the only one hearing this absolute ridiculousness? Really? No, I mean for real?" Really? Like seriously? Does she have no self-respect or self-worth or know that she can do better than  looking to another human being for affirmation, happiness and well-being?? Like here let me hand you the key to my happiness, well being, thoughts and current mood. Sadly, this is probably common. That's not how it has to be! 

Another positive is that I was able to take amazing pictures of Diesel that was there. He was gorgeous. A mix of a lab and German Shepard, as a photographer I was in complete enjoyment of hanging out with Diesel! They ended up turning out really well. Not that I was planning on that anyways…

So to wrap this story up when we left, by boat, I completely, totally forgot my Sony DSLR camera! Trying to get back in touch with camp the following days was a complete nightmare. They had no idea who I was, very doubtful that they even knew what they were looking for and they said they already talked to my mother, who was right beside me during the phone call and never called them or vice versa. The only reason I got my camera back was because Cayden and I hung out like 3 times. Since he goes to camp a lot he said he would get if for me & voila! Camera on the last time we hung out. Thank goodness! So happy ending-ish. 

***NOTE: there are people who come and go only to serve a single purpose, clearly Cayden was one of those people. It's good to differentiate between those who are here to stay and those who aren't. Because those who aren't in it for the long haul they don't deserve you if they are only passing by.

Real Love Doesn't Get "Jealous"

"I don't like the way he's looking at you, I'm starting to think you want him too, Am I crazy? have I lost ya? Even though I know you love me, can't help it"

Well we all know that when you look lustfully upon someone else you have committed adultery in your heart and you have used them like an object, they don't even need to be physically present! I can see what he might be bothered by that. Now if you're in a committed, loving and secure relationship you won't think that you're crazy! Lets get that out of the way first. There is such a thing as crazymaking and it isn't good. They try their hardest to make it seem like you're crazy and making it all up, when in truth you're spot on! "Even though I know you love me, can't help it." Hah! What a copout. Obviously this isn't the secure, all encompassing love we are talking about. It's hard for me to ever see relationships like this (in the limelight, famous people with no concept of the true meaning of life) ever be substantial. When they don't know what love is!

 They think it's sex, physical things, hugs and being in close proximity. That ain't love, it's supposed to be a physical reflection of a deeper connection between two people who are emotionally, spiritually and intellectually intimate.

 Don't even get me started on the "I can't help it!" We are not animals, we have self control. We also have souls. End of story.

"You can call me obsessed, not your fault they hover"

Obsession or being obsessed is nothing to joke around about. It's a terrible thing and has no place in a relationship or in love. Real love is patient and kind, does that sound like obsessive should be in there too? I didn't think so.

4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Technically no it's not her fault they hover. However, how we dress as women,  also as men too they are not excluded from modesty, well it attracts certain men. It also sends a message. Studies have shown scantily clad women are basically saying, "Here I am a tool for your use." Alas in studies the, you guessed it, tool part of the male brain lights up. The words associated with it are, "I use, I push, I pull yada yada." Women are called to modesty because the male brain is wired visually, quite strongly I might add, so dressing in a way that protects us from being used we are actually loving men in the way we should be! Women show men mercy by dressing modestly. It also benefits women. When men see modest women they associate adjectives like, "She pushes, She pulls, She does this & that." It shows women are in control of themselves and they are not an OBJECT.

" I mean no disrespect, It's my right to be hellish, I still get jealous, Cause you're too sexy, beautiful, and everybody wants a taste, thats why (that's why), I still get jealous "

Yeah, sure he means no disrespect c'mon really? The fact that he has to say that he means no disrespect is saying something in itself and its not good. No, no, no its NOT your right to be hellish. I don't even know what that means nor do I want to. This is just a TOXIC relationship characterized in a bad, catchy song. I'm sure 'everyone' wants a taste. Hah excuse me I don't. You may look attractive in this world but your soul is black. No thank you. NOW we know WHY he gets jealous...

Lets just get real for a second. Jealousy has no place in love. If someone else is meant to be with someone you really like or are going out with then: so be it! TRUE love is wanting the BEST for the other person even if that means with someone ELSE! We have no control anyways, its not on us to call the shots & make plans. 

 

The Wedding Date

The Wedding Date

IMDB Summary

Single-girl anxiety causes Kat Ellis (Debra Messing) to hire a male escort Nick Mercer (Dermot Mulroney) to pose as her boyfriend at her sister's wedding. Her plan, an attempt to dupe her ex-fiancé, who dumped her a couple years prior, proves to be her undoing.

First Things First

My first impression of the main character is very awkward. I mean she physically can’t let go of a simple plane ticket to a bike messenger, very much a small thing, which may mean she can’t let go of the big stuff. Surprise! She can’t. Right after that she looks back on her previous relationship's mementos, pictures and even the ring! In doing so keeping the relationship very much alive, which proves she has no meaning of serenity. Cued by the sappy song repeatedly begging to be left breathless, I mean ugh! It is seen throughout the movie that the protagonist, Kat, has low self-esteem, can’t say no, has very poor boundaries and her self-worth is rooted in what others think. I think it goes without saying that all romance movies have very poor communication between main characters. So there you have a little picture of this protagonist. Not at all a stand up character! We are off to a great start.

My Take

Another thing is in the synopsis it says ‘single girl’. I see this a lot. Why is it that ‘girl’ is used to describe an adult woman? It is a very frequent grouping that is quite unnecessary. They are two distinct stages. This movie is not realistic in any way. Why would one man give up his escort service for one woman over the course of 3 days or so? What this movie is likely referring to is lust rather than love and yes there is a difference. Lust is superficial feelings and is always plotting how to satisfy self. Love is a choice and is seeking the better of the other person. A common theme I saw in the movie is the objectification of men by women. This is not as commonly known but is very much an issue. I will not get into specifics although it is pretty clear what is going on. A man is much more than just a body part that serves one purpose! This movie makes sleeping around look like the ‘norm’ or what we ‘should do’ as a depiction of ‘healthy’ sexual lives. What a joke! It is the fastest road to countless complications, heartache and infertility.  Kat says, “I find the idea of money for sex morally repugnant.” Later on though after the bachelorette party when she is inebriated she has no problems seducing Nick, not before she hits an ATM to get the cash for the deed. This is the start of their wonderful relationship! This is sadly a common thing. While it may seem to kick start a ‘relationship’ it really vetoes it. Alcohol is widely known to lower inhibitions so it is no surprise that this is when they decide to make a baby. This movie is basically an example of what not to do. Also it depicts how sexual history can really wreak havoc in your life and the lives of everyone around you.

Sex in Marriage?

Yes this is why there is a rule about not having premarital sex. This wasn’t just thrown out there haphazardly. There are real reasons why it is for the best, they are good reasons too. Some of them include: not getting stuck in a relationship with a total jerk, no pregnancy to worry about or diseases that would cause infertility, increasing self-worth, confidence and being your own person, to show non conformity to this world’s customs and you avoid extra emotional baggage that really isn’t necessary. I can’t make you choose this nor can I change your mind on such a serious matter. You would have to have the desire to want know what would be best for you and the initiative to go and check out all the information on this very important subject. Science actually backs this up as well! From a Focus on the Family broadcast Pulling Back the Shades it was intimated that the ones having the best sex are middle aged women who are married and active in ministry. This picture here sums it up the most eloquently. This life is temporary, it’s pleasures fleeting but heaven & God are eternal. Also that it is okay to be single in the world, we don't need someone else to be accepted into society although often that is what it feels like! You're single? Oh well you're no good to us.